You might often wonder, “Why do I behave this way? Why am I so influenced by my connections with others? Why do I approach relationships the way I do? Why do I act differently with the person closest to me? Why am I so deeply attached to them? Why is conflict with my partner so challenging?” The answers to these questions can be found in your attachment style. Understanding your attachment style is crucial to improving any relationship as well as therapy, as these patterns develop during early childhood and influence how we connect with others throughout life, according to attachment theories by Bowlby and Ainsworth. These attachment styles are rooted in our early interactions with primary caregivers, typically our parents. The way they respond to our needs shapes our attachment style and influences our expectations for future relationships. Identifying your attachment style helps explain your behaviour with others, offers insight into how others view you, and promotes better communication with loved ones. In this piece, we explore the disorganised attachment style, its traits, and how to make positive changes accordingly.
What is a disorganised attachment style?
The Disorganised attachment style is more complex and unpredictable than the secure, anxious or avoidant attachment styles. It occurs when a child experiences fear or confusion about their primary caregiver, often because the caregiver is simultaneously a source of safety and fear.
This attachment style often arises in children whose parents have been inconsistent, abusive, neglectful, or frightening. These children don’t develop a coherent strategy for dealing with relationships because their caregivers’ behaviour is erratic. As a result, they may feel deeply conflicted between the need for closeness and the instinct to protect themselves from harm. This pattern, formed in early childhood, frequently carries over into adult relationships, manifesting in behaviours and emotions that can be difficult to change. A few signs of a disorganised attachment style are
- Intense emotional ups and downs
- Difficulty setting boundaries
- Fear of abandonment
- Frequent conflicts and breakups
They desperately crave connection but it becomes difficult for them to achieve that due to their internal conflict.
Characteristics of Disorganised Attachment Style
Disorganised attachment is marked by blame of contradictory behaviours, where individuals oscillate between seeking closeness and withdrawing. Some common characteristics of a disorganised attachment style include
Negative self-view
People having this attachment style often have a low self-esteem or a negative self-image. They may feel unworthy of love or doubt their ability to maintain healthy relationships. These feelings can contribute to a sense of shame or guilt, which further complicates their interactions with others. An example of this would be when you probably make a small mistake at work, you might beat yourself up thinking you’re not good enough or that everyone will eventually realise you’re a failure
Internal conflict
This becomes a crucial characteristic of this attachment style as people who have experienced inconsistencies first-hand tend to not understand themselves. People with this style often feel pulled in different directions, wanting to be close but feeling unsafe or unsure about how to approach intimacy. They may love their partner deeply but simultaneously feel anxious or frightened by the idea of vulnerability. An example of this would be when you find yourself wanting to be close to someone by going out with them often but pulling yourself away when they invite you to dinner themselves because you’re unsure whether it’s safe to trust them.
Frequent conflict in relationships
Relationships with a partner or yourself, having a disorganised attachment style often experience high levels of conflict. The fear and anxiety that underlie their attachment style can lead to misunderstandings, miscommunication, and emotional outbursts. These conflicts can be exhausting for both partners and create a cycle of instability. An example of this would be when you and your partner may get into arguments over small things, but after each conflict, you feel confused about why it escalated and regret your actions.
Difficulty with boundaries
Because of the confusion and lack of a secure base during childhood, individuals with disorganised attachment styles may struggle with setting and maintaining healthy boundaries. They might allow others to cross personal limits or have trouble enforcing boundaries, which can lead to feelings of being overwhelmed or resentful in relationships. An example of this would be when a friend asks you for a favour and you say yes to it even though you’re exhausted with other things in your life. This leads you to be extremely resentful towards your friend, yourself and the favour by being passive-aggressive because you do not know how to deal with the situation by talking about it.
How to Improve Disorganised Attachment Style?
While a disorganised attachment style can be challenging, it is possible to improve this attachment style and build healthier relationships. This often requires self-awareness, patience and therapeutic intervention but change is achievable. Here are some steps to help individuals with disorganised attachment style to help improve their behaviours in relationships
Seek therapy
Therapy, particularly the trauma-informed approaches, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), or attachment-based therapy can be incredibly helpful in addressing the root causes of this style. Working with a therapist can help individuals process childhood trauma, understand their emotional patterns, and develop healthier ways of relating to others.
Engage in self-reflection
Regular self-reflection helps individuals recognise their attachment-related behaviours and the ways these behaviours impact their relationships. Asking oneself questions such as “What am I feeling right now?”, “Why do I reach the way I do?”, “What should I do to make myself feel better?” And many more can increase awareness of the situation and yourself further promoting change.
Practice Patience
Changing attachment patterns, especially the disorganised attachment style is a gradual process. Individuals must be patient with themselves and understand that progress may be slow but steady. Relapses into old behaviours are normal, but the key is to remain committed to growth and healing.
Improve communication
People with disorganised attachment often struggle with communication in relationships. Developing clear, open, and honest communication can help improve trust and reduce conflict. Learning to express needs and emotions calmly, without fear or rejection or abandonment can foster healthier dynamics in relationships. Couples therapy or relationship coaching can also help develop these skills.
Disorganised attachment style can be challenging, both for the individual and their relationships. However, with self-awareness, therapy and intentional effort, it is possible to heal from the effects of early trauma and form healthier, more secure relationships. By understanding the roots of disorganised attachment, individuals can begin to navigate their relationships with greater emotional stability, trust and resilience.
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