As always, you can skip this post and go back to reading the archives if all you care about is film reviews. But if you find yourself thinking “hey, what’s going on with Margaret?” then this is the post for you! Also, dog photos.
First and most importantly, Albie Dog update! I noticed him limping and that his back left pay was swollen and pink, so I took him into the vet. No biggy, he stepped on something and cut his foot, now it’s infected from him licking it. The vet gave me some pills, but also said he has to wear a cone to stop licking. Which lead to me buying him a lovely deep blue inflatable neck pillow that looks HILARIOUS!!!!
Which is good because I need something to make me smile. Remember how I said I was just gonna go ahead and quit my job without another one lined up because it was making me so miserable? Well, I did. Sent in a brief email resigning. Heard nothing from my boss for 3 days. Then got a brief email accepting the resignation. Nothing else. Finally got a message this week, almost 2 weeks after my resignation, asking to schedule a meeting. Okay, the meeting is to talk about my reasons for leaving, I researched exit interviews and thought about what I wanted to say and how to say it, HR is gonna be present. And it turned into the most aggressive angry confrontation of my life.
How do you reach age 50 without learning how to take criticism? I could step out of myself and see what was happening, as soon as I said anything vaguely critical their fight instinct was triggered and they had to start hammering me to prove they were right and I was wrong. It was like being in an online troll fight, except in person with people I have known for over a decade and I couldn’t leave. And there were two of them and just one of me. And just like online trolls, they come from a place of privilege. A place of being so sure in their opinions, so unused to being confronted, that they enter in the fight with righteous anger.
To be clear, this is a JOB. I have spent my working life knowing that part of the deal is being criticized, by management, by clients, by whoever. You smile and take it and move on. It’s not unusual, it doesn’t require a response, it’s part of being a professional. How could anyone think it was acceptable to attack attack attack with heat and anger when we are just talking about a JOB???
On the other hand, I can see their side. They didn’t expect nice Margaret to ever say anything bad, so it is coming as a shock. They feel ambushed, they feel surprised, they feel like it’s my fault for never saying these things to them before. And they truly do not remember things the same way I do. This is the curse. I can see their side, I can sympathize, and it makes me question myself, it makes me think maybe I am in the wrong and they are in the right. And this is a curse I do not think they will ever suffer from, the ability to see the opposite side and question yourself.
It was so awful. It was so bad. And I say that knowing my own privilege. I am at the second to the top place in the global society, I am an upper middle class Western white woman. In that position, I know how to play the game, I know how to make people be kind to me, and I have the luxury of just avoiding most unpleasant situations. And, of course, the vast majority of people in the world will treat me as human because I am so privileged, I am not seen as a punching bag by default. So I have been very lucky to reach almost 40 without being in a situation where I am trapped being yelled at and blamed for an hour. On the other hand, I have been given the gift of ALMOST being at the top place. That’s what lets me use empathy, judgement, caution, all of those things. I can’t sit down in a cab and be rude to the driver because the driver is a man and he could hurt me. I don’t have to talk to him, but I have to learn how to not talk to him without making him feel bad (noise canceling headphones are such a gift to women everywhere). Maybe I should feel sorry for the people who never learned even that much? Who don’t know how to ride the waves of communication?
It’s not much, but I’m gonna hold on to that. All my coworkers love me. And I don’t use that word lightly, they literally love me. Their response to my resigning was “I love you Margaret, I want you to be happy, I am so proud of you”. And that’s because I love them, I see them as people, I care about them, I’ve been able to create this web of love and respect. And, for the few of you reading this post, you know I have done the same thing with this DCIB community. The same curse that makes me question myself, believe the version they told me in that meeting, that makes it shake me up so much, that right now as I am writing this is making me question if it really was as bad as I remember it, if I am just being sensitive, that’s the gift that lets me make connections and have all these lovely people who love me and I get to love in return.
So I may never be “successful” or respected or powerful. And I will spend my life constantly questioning myself as I see myself through the eyes of others, doubting my memory and opinions and everything else. But I will never be alone, and that’s something?